I have so many feelings, and yet no words. And I don't want this moment to pass without record of how I still cling to the cliff wall of hope...I love him...and if I can change my physical form I think he'll see he loves me too...
Friday, December 27, 2013
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Addendums and such...
I'm back and forth, not on my feelings, but on my perception of what I'm willing to hope for in reaction to my feelings. My best friends husband told me recently that things would work out for me; they always do...and it was inspirational in a way...and a couple of days later when I landed the new job, I shared my appreciation of the statement with him...and he said "well, it's not like we were talking about relationships...those never work out"...and it was funny cause it's true, but after a little bit of time to let the words settle, the truth in that statement makes me sad. And he wasn't even around for the worst of them...and how dare I hope when the past has proven that I should simply marry my job and find happiness in solitude...
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
shhh...
My heart skips a beat, races, drops into my stomach
refuses to be ignored or pushed aside
so the challenge is to keep it disconnected from my mouth
refuses to be ignored or pushed aside
so the challenge is to keep it disconnected from my mouth
colorful jingles
Monday, August 5, 2013
still chasing the rabbit
the rabbit is always running, and she chases it no matter how many times it gets away...and she never catches up, she never finds what she is looking for, but she still runs after that rabbit every single time...and here i am...still chasing, still trying to catch up, still trying to convince the rabbit to take me on the adventure...and not leave me behind...
drinks after midnight
it happens all the time
just a couple minutes
a few fleeting moments
my head on your shoulder
room filled with our laughter
my heart filled with hope
then the memory of those words
the moment of truth
clarity, rejection, denial
and you're just a nice guy
and i'm just an optimistic girl
hoping...for you to change your mind
just a couple minutes
a few fleeting moments
my head on your shoulder
room filled with our laughter
my heart filled with hope
then the memory of those words
the moment of truth
clarity, rejection, denial
and you're just a nice guy
and i'm just an optimistic girl
hoping...for you to change your mind
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
holding hands with the rabbit...
i told him it was just a crush, i would get over it. but i
can't. and the more i try the more i find i want to wait forever. i want to sit
patiently, and listen to his stories, and laugh at his jokes, and spend time
doing whatever he wants, because his company is more enjoyable than that of
anyone else. and i can't imagine that there is anyone else that is the perfect
white rabbit to my alice...we are two characters from different stories, come
together in a single book...and i am still the misguided girl, chasing her
rabbit down the hole, and the adventure is something i will never forget and
will never regret...except unlike alice i won't be looking for a way back
home...i will simply be looking for a way to get the rabbit to invite me
along...
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
my fiver
I thought i would just get over my crush on him. That's how this usually works, but instead I've started a relationship I'm fairly certain is only happening in my head. I like him more every time we spend time together. And i want to kiss him, and cuddle up next to him and i want him to fall in to my fantasy world.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
i had a great birthday...got a great new dress and shoes, went out with a group of friends that were not the ones i was expecting to show up and got really drunk, and was in a great mood...he didn't show up, and i asked him for clarification. and it was what i expected, and was ignoring, which is that he just wants a platonic relationship...it made me sad, but also makes me glad that he still wants to be friends with me even though he's seen the crazy girl me that i turn in to when i like someone...i really like him, and he's someone that i want to know, in whatever context he's willing to know me...even though i know it's going to take a lon time for me to move past this...
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
happy birthday to me!!!
harry took me out to birthday breakfast...and i hope he knows how much that means to me. drinks with stephen at midnight, breakfast with harry, and a whole year of amazing ahead of me...
and i finally got to give him his christmas presents...which makes me very very happy! when i hang out with him i feel like a giddy school girl. i can't stop smiling, and even when i say something stupid i don't feel stupid, because he just continues the conversation without seeming to notice...being around him just makes my day better...
and i finally got to give him his christmas presents...which makes me very very happy! when i hang out with him i feel like a giddy school girl. i can't stop smiling, and even when i say something stupid i don't feel stupid, because he just continues the conversation without seeming to notice...being around him just makes my day better...
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
silence...
i wish i hadn't liked harry so much :(
correction:...i wish i
didn't STILL like harry so much...my inability to just back the fuck off sucks.
it feels like so much time is passing when i can't stop thinking about someone,
and am spending so much time alone...only it's barely any time at all...and it
makes me seem like a crazy person...needy and desperate.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
chili
1lb pork sausage
1lb ground turkey
1 green pepper
1 yellow onion
1/2 lb black beans
1/2 lb red beans
1 lb pinto beans
2 clove garlic
1 jalepeno
chili powder
28 oz canned tomato
16 oz southwest (spicy) canned tomato
cumin
pepper
salt
cinnamon
curry
basil
pepper
garlic powder
cayenne pepper
1lb ground turkey
1 green pepper
1 yellow onion
1/2 lb black beans
1/2 lb red beans
1 lb pinto beans
2 clove garlic
1 jalepeno
chili powder
28 oz canned tomato
16 oz southwest (spicy) canned tomato
cumin
pepper
salt
cinnamon
curry
basil
pepper
garlic powder
cayenne pepper
Saturday, June 30, 2012
starting over...
i have a hard time believing that anyone really loves me, because i was told growing up that no one ever would; that i was unloveable...
todays dream: that i can believe that i am loveable
Thursday, June 28, 2012
step one...
i've been standing by the side of someone that doesn't know i'm there. he says he loves me, but what he loves is my financial support...so i'm moving on. i've taken the first painful step, and i know that it will get better as time goes on. and i love him and wish him the best, but it's time for me to wish myself the best...
todays dream: seek out only healthy and fulfilling relationships.
todays dream: seek out only healthy and fulfilling relationships.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
into the rabbit hole...
this was my poor attempt at starting to take more pictures. i took crappy photos with my phone under the pressure of getting one posted by the end of any given day for a few weeks and then wasn't really accomplishing what i set out to do and gave up. this is a perfect example of what i do in my life. so here is my new beginning. this is going to be where i plot out my weight loss, post photos of things i am proud of, tell stories of places i go and things i do, and this is where i will follow my dreams instead of recounting my nightmares...
todays dream: goal weight: 135
todays dream: goal weight: 135
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
before the start...but after...
it was suggested to me that i should write an introduction. quite simply i have decided to join a friend in taking and posting one photo a day for the next 23weeks...or 161 days...mine will be here, you may comment, you may critique. they are here for the purpose of giving me a bit of focus on a daily basis, but i am always happy to improve my skills along the way...if you post anonymously please send me a message and reveal yourself...from here on out i intend for this to be a mostly visual place...an alternate universe where i am a woman of few words...
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
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