The wrong shape for love...

I have so many feelings, and yet no words. And I don't want this moment to pass without record of how I still cling to the cliff wall of hope...I love him...and if I can change my physical form I think he'll see he loves me too...

Addendums and such...

I'm back and forth, not on my feelings, but on my perception of what I'm willing to hope for in reaction to my feelings.  My best friends husband told me recently that things would work out for me; they always do...and it was inspirational in a way...and a couple of days later when I landed the new job, I shared my appreciation of the statement with him...and he said "well, it's not like we were talking about relationships...those never work out"...and it was funny cause it's true, but after a little bit of time to let the words settle, the truth in that statement makes me sad. And he wasn't even around for the worst of them...and how dare I hope when the past has proven that I should simply marry my job and find happiness in solitude...

shhh...

My heart skips a beat, races, drops into my stomach
refuses to be ignored or pushed aside
so the challenge is to keep it disconnected from my mouth

colorful jingles

this is the first piece of jewelry someone picked out for me...any gift would have been special, but this has special significance...because i'm a girl...and we like jewelry...

still chasing the rabbit

the rabbit is always running, and she chases it no matter how many times it gets away...and she never catches up, she never finds what she is looking for, but she still runs after that rabbit every single time...and here i am...still chasing, still trying to catch up, still trying to convince the rabbit to take me on the adventure...and not leave me behind...

drinks after midnight

it happens all the time
just a couple minutes
a few fleeting moments
my head on your shoulder
room filled with our laughter
my heart filled with hope
then the memory of those words
the moment of truth
clarity, rejection, denial
and you're just a nice guy
and i'm just an optimistic girl
hoping...for you to change your mind

holding hands with the rabbit...

i told him it was just a crush, i would get over it. but i can't. and the more i try the more i find i want to wait forever. i want to sit patiently, and listen to his stories, and laugh at his jokes, and spend time doing whatever he wants, because his company is more enjoyable than that of anyone else. and i can't imagine that there is anyone else that is the perfect white rabbit to my alice...we are two characters from different stories, come together in a single book...and i am still the misguided girl, chasing her rabbit down the hole, and the adventure is something i will never forget and will never regret...except unlike alice i won't be looking for a way back home...i will simply be looking for a way to get the rabbit to invite me along...

my fiver

I thought i would just get over my crush on him. That's how this usually works, but instead I've started a relationship I'm fairly certain is only happening in my head. I like him more every time we spend time together. And i want to kiss him, and cuddle up next to him and i want him to fall in to my fantasy world.

i had a great birthday...got a great new dress and shoes, went out with a group of friends that were not the ones i was expecting to show up and got really drunk, and was in a great mood...he didn't show up, and i asked him for clarification.  and it was what i expected, and was ignoring, which is that he just wants a platonic relationship...it made me sad, but also makes me glad that he still wants to be friends with me even though he's seen the crazy girl me that i turn in to when i like someone...i really like him, and he's someone that i want to know, in whatever context he's willing to know me...even though i know it's going to take a lon time for me to move past this...

happy birthday to me!!!

harry took me out to birthday breakfast...and i hope he knows how much that means to me.  drinks with stephen at midnight, breakfast with harry, and a whole year of amazing ahead of me...

and i finally got to give him his christmas presents...which makes me very very happy!  when i hang out with him i feel like a giddy school girl.  i can't stop smiling, and even when i say something stupid i don't feel stupid, because he just continues the conversation without seeming to notice...being around him just makes my day better...

silence...

i wish i hadn't liked harry so much :( correction:...i wish i didn't STILL like harry so much...my inability to just back the fuck off sucks. it feels like so much time is passing when i can't stop thinking about someone, and am spending so much time alone...only it's barely any time at all...and it makes me seem like a crazy person...needy and desperate.

new years resolutions

i will not be texting anyone with a y chromosome unless they text me first...